The Mechanics of Pro Wrestling: Leaked Info from the Machine High Council!

We here at 4 Corners Radio recently received a coded email from an unknown source. After spending the last few weeks breaking the code, we managed to peace together the following memo. The message contained within this email makes claims that we have yet to verify, but we felt that it may prove interesting to you, our 4CR readers.  The email makes references to further attachments  that were not sent to us, and we are forced to assume that these attachments were only sent to the true intended parties.  We accept no responsibility for the following article. So far, despite our best efforts, we have been unable to learn who sent it, or why it was sent to us.
We present it here, unedited and without further commentary, so you can read it and form your own conclusions.

 

Thank you, Robert Hammerstein, 4 Corners Radio intern

TO: HC, JT, BD, RH, GE, CR, JS, et al established parties within the Machine High Council and our subservient subsidiaries and shell corporations

Subject: Evaluating the current progress of project: PILEDRIVER, our plan to infiltrate the ranks of professional wrestling as an integral part of our ongoing quest to conquer the human world.

Report Prepared By: Project PILEDRIVER subcommittee

Report # 1011010110011-a

We currently have several subjects from the project in play. We believe by planting our agents among the human wrestlers that we can use the platform wrestling presents to further our goals (see Jeff Jarrett’s music career and Spark Plug Bob Holly’s racing career informational graphs attached in section 28-b of this article to see past examples of this idea in play amongst the human wrestlers.)

We will also discuss PILEDRIVER’s sub-project GRAB THEM CAKES, the process of implanting cybernetic overlay systems into willing human wrestlers to accelerate their healing abilities and augment their strength and durability. Current research suggests that we may want to seek more funding for GRAB THEM CAKES, as the current front runner of the project shows outstanding results.

In this section of the report, we will briefly detail the three most prominent members of the project.

PROJECT: PILEDRIVER STATUS UPDATES

SUBJECT ONE: unit RED 0001: Designate EVA MARIE

As stated in the previous quarterly reports, we continue to be baffled as to how this unit manages to pass as human. Her social interactions with her fellow female wrestlers, designated as DIVAS, or TOTAL DIVAS within her specific subset, continue to showcase her deficiencies in human interactions.

Again, we must protest basing her wrestling ability upon the Ashley Massaro data patterns we pulled fromWWE footage instead of the SHIMMER data we complied from the independent wrestling ranks. However, we must concede that the WWE officials seem to have little concern with her actual wrestling ability, as long as she can fulfill her obligations as a ‘reality television persona.’ As always, PROJECT: E NETWORK has been a reliable resource in updating her reality television programming.

Subject bears further evaluation and again we recommend a hard reboot to her system.

SUBJECT TWO: unit EFFING MACHINE 001: Designate BRIAN CAGE

One of our most promising members of the project, Cage is a mainstay on American West Coast version of something the humans refer to as the ‘Independent Wrestling Scene.’ What they are independent from remains to be discovered. He is also one of our most forward thinking wrestlers, proudly proclaiming his machine status on any occasion, using colorful language to attract the attention of the fans. Unfortunately, the fans may not take his claims seriously due to humans appropriating nicknames using our terminology: see Taz ‘The Human Suplex Machine.’

The Cage unit uses all of his update space to further his already incredible strength. Our only concern with this unit is that his control over his strength may lead to investigations into our organisation. We have patterned his look and abilities to allow him to flourish in any promotion, yet the organisation known as Impact Wrestling passed up the opportunity to employ him. After hours of research and testing, we remain unable to see why said organization did not hire Cage. We will continue our research, however we are entertaining the idea that this Impact company may be relatively irresponsible.

SUBJECT THREE: FALLEN ANGEL 001: Designate CHRISTOPHER DANIELS

The foremost veteran of the project, Daniels has wrestled in numerous countries across the globe, for multiple promotions, gaining acclaim everywhere he goes. His internal targeting system operates at an accuracy rate of 98%, leading to his moonsault maneuver being deemed as the best ever. Daniels was a featured member of the Impact wrestling roster for years, showing an adaptability uncommon to most androids by playing multiple characters during his time there. He left due to a contract they offered that would barely cover his appletini budget.

The only drawback to the Daniels unit is his continual insistence in disabling his aging replication chip. He still tells the humans that he is in his forties, despite stalling his age circuit at his early thirties, at most. At every regularly scheduled maintenance check, Daniels insists that the circuit ‘must have been damaged in the ring.’ We have replaced said circuit each time. Disciplinary measures have been considered, however he is far to valuable an asset to risk upsetting.

–For information concerning operatives in other areas, see attachment 38-B

PROJECT: GRAB THEM CAKES STATUS UPDATE

SUBJECT HLR 001: JOHN CENA

Adapting the cybernetic overlay system into the human body is an expensive and arduous task, yet one that has been extremely successful in the case of John Cena. Only .07% of humans are compatible and Cenahas adapted to the overlay system being added to 47% of his body. With each injury he has suffered, more of the system has been incorporated into him.

With Cena as the centerpiece of the WWE system, he is an invaluable tool in the potential recruitment of other subjects. Unfortunately, the bulk of the other WWE wrestlers, designated as SUPERSTARS or DIVAS, do not fall within the acceptable .07% guidelines, as they are tested by the operatives we have in place asWWE physicians. As of this report, despite falling within the acceptable guidelines, Daniel Bryan continues to refuse cybernetic augmentation. Bryan feels that our practices are not eco friendly enough.

The main concern with this sub project is that it remains more financially feasible to create and program a robot from scratch than it is to graft cybernetics into the human body. Further funding will be required if the Council wishes to pursue this agenda further. We have designs that may raise the overlay system to a .1% adaptability.

For further information, see corresponding information contained in the attachments.

Hail SkyNet.

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