WWF: Woeful Wrestling Figures.

Written by Martin Dixon (@BunnySuicida).

Wrestling figures are great aren’t they? From Remco to Hasbro and Jakks Pacific to Mattel, wrestling toys have let the young and young at heart recreate some of Sports Entertainment’s greatest moments as well as craft whole new ones completely from the imagination. Hulk Hogan versus AJ Styles? Easy, The Legion of Doom vs Abyss and The Boogeyman? Alright if you insist, Jim Ross vs Joey Styles in a hardcore Mic on a pole match to crown the greatest announcer of all time, with a run in by Bobby Heenan? Actually that sounds pretty awesome! Toys can be played with like well, toys or displayed like mini statues in honour of our heroes but, and this is a Rikishi sized but, not all figures are created equal. For every über collectable Elite line or knockabout “With Smashing Action!” Basic figure there is a bottom of the barrel knockoff aiming to muscle its way into a collection or toybox and that just won’t do. Upon stumbling across three of these loathsome plastic atrocities during a soul crushing sojourn through my local Poundland I considered it my civic duty to purchase some of them before they could end up in the wrong hands. It’s a service I provide, you can thank me later after I’ve told just how awful this Poo World Order really are.

Like the WWE developmental system before NXT, these figures are the same bodies with different heads to distinguish between them. Cast in low grade plastic, the three members of Shite Force all feature bizarre proportions and woeful posing potential, ridiculously stiff and limited arm joints but loose hip and knee joints that actually have more movement going in the wrong direction than they do flexing in the normal human way. That covers their similarities but now it’s time to come over all Brave Meltzer and over analyse the Fabulous Failbirds.

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First up is ‘The Mexican’ is a generic Mexican wrestling figure painted in a nifty colour scheme of deep blue and gold like ‘Bin Cara’. His mask is decently painted and although his eyes seem to have had an argument there are some neat touches. ‘Cra-Parka’ here even manages an unintentional El Generico easter egg with long tassels hanging down from the back of his mask. Out of the three, ‘The Mexifool’ walks away with the title of ‘Not the Worst’ of this set.

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Next up for scrutiny is ‘Skull Smasher’ but in hand he proves to be more of a ‘Shatanka’. Somehow ‘Awful McDaniel’ here is made of even worse materials than his brother from another dumpster and his legs are even more of an embarrassment. ‘High Chief Piss-Take Maivia is clearly a fan of 1993 era WWF by painting half of his face with traditional Native American warpaint a la Tatanka Buffalo and the other half as Papa Shango, even dying half of his ginger mohawk black in tribute. Such devotion to the New Generation can’t save him however and Skull Smasher from being anything other than ‘Chief Jay StrongBLOW’.

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And so to the third member of the Brothers of Desperation, the magnificently monikered ‘The Prince of Fear’ and oh dear I think we’ve peaked. ‘Issac Janky FFS’ here is clearly supposed to be dressed as The Demon Kane but looks more ‘Buff Tommy Wiseau’ with his awful mop of unruly hair, painted on mask and thrift store singlet. I imagine that if you tried to describe Kane over the phone to someone and had them draw what they pictured in their mind this would be the result. Whatever I think of his outfit doesn’t seem to matter though as ‘Puke Gallows’ is clearly pleased with his gear as he has a disturbing chelsea smile carved into his what I’m reliably informed is a face. As awful as he is (and he is awful) ‘FaKane’ is still only the second most embarrassing Glen Jacobs imposter though as Festus can rest easy knowing his position on top is secure but The Prince of Fear gives him a damn good run for his money.

These figures are some of the worst “toys” I’ve ever come across and are an insult to every wrestling loving child out there so of course, I love them with all my heart. They have a certain ironic charm that normally only comes from mid 80s AWA jobbers like say, I don’t know, Bun Boy Barton. Now where’d I put my white paint, I think it’s time for The Mexican to change gimmicks….

Thanks for reading.

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