Well, well, well. It seems as though my recent purchase of three terrible wrestling toys must have been noticed by the powers that be as less than a week since my last dumpster dive to my local Poundland, they’ve only gone and got hold of some more faux figures and this time they’ve gone “X-treme’. So once again it falls to me, the internet’s foremost crap wrestler wrangler to scoop up these foul fakers and give them a good hard reviewing and appraise each hideous homunculus in turn.
Sadly Poundland didn’t see fit to give these three individual names and just label them as “X-treme Wrestlers” so I’ll have to do that as I go but what they lack in individuality they make up for in gimmickry with accessories! Oh happy day!
The first member of the Crock & Roll Express is this misshapen blue luchadore whom I’ll shall christen Jizzmark Jr. These lot are roughly two-thirds the size of the previous figures but no less hilarious. Again identical bodies are gifted distinctive heads and an array of woeful tattoos and paint, as well as some very sinister screw holes in the back of their heads and Jizzmark here comes off perhaps the worst. He has a mask but is so proud of his mullet he’s cut the top off his hood to let his Kentucky waterfall flow free. Such follicular fabulousness cannot distract from his awful chest tattoos however, and their awfulness draws the eye direct to the most hilarious aspect of these toys, the comically oversized pectoral muscles. Seriously, Jizzmark Jr’s killer rack would be the envy of many a Hooters waitress and given the floopy state of his knee joints, I’m amazed he can stand up straight at all without toppling forward.
Accessories wise, Jizzmark is bringing the pain with a studded mace (!) and somewhere to sit with a good old fashioned steel chair and should the urge to do some curls strike mid match he also has a dumbbell to work on his bulging arm muscles.
Next up is “Sham-piro”, the painted gothic warrior who is essentially Jizzmark in his unlockable alternative costume of all black and woeful facepaint. His chesticles are adorned with a wonderful child’s drawing of what I assume is supposed to be a tiger, although his lumpen body leaves his terrible tattoo looking more like a mushroom that is longing for a death that will never come. Posing wise he inherits the loose knees of his twin but also gains such tight shoulder joints that even I fear even thinking about moving them will cause Shampiro to explode into millions of razor sharp plastic shards. Which is a shame as I’d love to display him swinging the comically oversized chainsaw (yes, CHAINSAW!) he comes packaged with. Safety is still foremost in Shampiro’s mind however as he also has a safety rail on hand to keep the public out of the way of a potential Chainsaw Massacre. Remember, only you can prevent wrestlers wielding lumberjacking implements.
It’s rather fitting that something looking at fake and fragile wrestlers should be visited by Mistico himself, the OG Sin Cara and his drastic plastic doppelgänger proves less breakable than in the flesh. “Mistican’t” may be the most structurally sound of the three with surprisingly competent knees and hips and passable shoulders which I believe was the result of a Terry Funk physical exam in the 70s. Mistican’t also brings a small mace, dumbbell and chair combo of his own to combat Jizzmark Jr. For a singular unit of currency this might actually be the best Mistico merchandise out there, just don’t tell CMLL about this blatant copyright theft.
With either with their general ineptitude, abnormal proportions and blatant fakery, these knockoffs are hilarious fun and almost justify Poundland’s existence by themselves. I’m going to have to keep my eye on them to see if any more potential recruits appear to bolster my roster. Soon I’ll be able to start running shows with these misfits. I think I’ll call it the WWF.
Until next time, thanks for reading.
Martin Dixon ( @BunnySuicida )