WWF: Woeful Wrestling Figures 3: The Chode Warriors

My toy story continues! Those nice folks at Poundland have gotten their mitts on another clutch of plastic wrestling figures of questionable origin. In the next part I’ll have something different in a troupe of miniature figures complete with enough weapons and accessories to make New Jack jealous but before that the heavyweights are back with a triplicate of tragic tusslers eager to get into the ring with their polymer playmates.

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WEEEELLLL! IT’S THE BIG S— MAJOR DESTRUCTION! That’s right, if volume one’s Prince of Fear was a blatant Kane-a-like, General Complaint here is more than happy to flaunt copyright law by being a carbon copy of the one and only Big Show. He even come complete with his shouty face, camouflage singlet and stiff, lifeless frame. He may not have the size of Show but he’s got all the physical limitations of 2016 Paul Wight as he possesses the same weird posing potential and weak knees of his peers. The attention to detail lavished upon Sergeant S-Laughter is admirable with the paint work being of surprisingly acceptable quality and means that Corporal Punishment might be the best figure yet, at least until he turns heel for no reason.

No line up of wrestlers would be complete without the token luchadore and the quota is met here thanks to the amazingly named Black Python who brings some Rudo roughhousing to the party. Like Pentagon to Octagon, Lexington Steel here is clearly the evil equivalent to the titanic technico, The Mexican from part one. Decked out in the same attire but sporting a much darker colour scheme of black, red and silver and an array of crappy tribal tattoos to separate him from his heroic opposite. The titanic slugfest of brittle plastic warriors with combined stiff and loose joints would be a sight to behold and be the envy of any supercard across the world. Or make for a whole segment of Botchamania. Yeah, probably that one.

Saving the very worst for last is Lex Legend, the one-eyed monster. Phallic euphemisms aside, Lex Legend does his absolute best to not live up to his name at all. Dressed in a black sleeveless onesie with a red cow skull stamped on the front I guess the original intent was to market Lex as some kind of Undertaker allegory but somewhere along the way, someone in the far eastern sweatshop that spawned him and his ilk decided to grab a head from some unknown pirate toy and slap it on Lexy-Boy. All of this leaves “The Totally Broken in Transit Package” as the very worst of the worst. It doesn’t help that he can barely stand under his own power and posing him for the photos accompanying these words was fraught with much falling and much swearing on my part. A truly terrible note to end this on. For shame Lex, for shame.

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Before I go I just want to say thank you for the response to these articles, I’d never expected such a positive response to someone writing about crap knock off toys but I’m grateful for the support and as much as I can keep getting hold of awful toys such as these, I’ll keep writing about them. Thanks for reading.

Martin Dixon ( @BunnySuicida )

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