WWF: Woeful Wrestling Figures 4:Vanilla Midgets.

So far I’ve been able to have a lot of fun taking cheap shots at cheap toys and although they are some of the most hilariously barrel-bottom scraping garbage I’ve come across they have the good sense to be inexpensive. One singular unit of currency per figure seems like a hell of a deal right? WRONG! After seeing what I’ve got to show you in this edition, you’ll see the likes of Black Python and the Prince of Fear for the over priced trash they are as Poundland have found a new barrel to bottom out with micro figures, 5 for £1! Yes for the price of being able to stage one match of knock offs, I’ve ended up with my own promotion of mini grapplers complete with enough plunder to make even a CZW crowd go, “That’s a bit much, isn’t it?”.

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As is the way of things with such a bargain basement assortment of micro dudes, there is plenty of repetition of molds among this little Whine & Spirit Squad so they tend to fall into one of four types sometimes with varying paint jobs to set the ones who aren’t just clones apart from each other so I’ll be covering them in little groups for maximum efficiency but first I’d like to focus on the sole highlight of this package, the accessories!

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Surprisingly and fittingly the A.P. Apathy come complete with an entire T.L.C. match setup with some bonus weaponage thrown in the name of variety as well and for such small and cheap stuff there’s a surprising amount of care and attention gone into these little things. There’s a teeny little folding chair and even a ladder that stands under its own power (which is more than can be said for some of the figures) and can even flatten out to give a little wrestler a little smack in his little face. The tiny table can even break into pieces (intentionally) to enact when some tiny Dudleys get some tiny wood and the fun doesn’t end there, a tiny guardrail, trash can (with removable lid), fire extinguisher, sledgehammer and barbed wire baseball bad let you miniaturize some of the Attitude Era’s most famous weapon shots and the package is complete with a tiny title belt for you chosen chibi champion and even a briefcase to cash in on said champion. I can’t find any real fault with this comprehensive array of hardcore plunder. Sadly, some figures also come bundled with these accessories.

It starts promising enough, with these two masked fellas looking like Rey Mysterio cosplaying Brock Lesnar. At first glance these two look quite decent with well painted masks, eyes that aren’t creeping across their faces and some neat decals on their ‘shorts’. Shorts is in quotes there because either these two have the worst case of “cankles” I’ve ever seen or these guys really were Rey Mysterio Jr knock offs and some cheeky painter has painted Mysterio’s baggy pants to resemble legs in shorts. So close Rey Uno & Rey Dos, close but no cigars.

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Speaking of the mighty Bork Laser, next up is a pair of slightly emaciated Lesnaralikes resplendent complimentary green and black outfits. Like the Mysterios before them at first glance they too seem alright but another baffling design choice rears its head soon after looking a little closer at the Bork Brothers and that is their gold hair. Not blonde, bright, shimmering gold paint slapped all over their domes and in one’s case, the face. Sloppy paint aside these aren’t bad at all for a quarter each.

Oh dear, much lower on the quality meter is a trio of gang molded mullet men, arms raised in premature victory but with little to set them apart. The silver and red gear on two of them is a plus but number three is clearly angling for a place in Raven’s flock with dull black gear and silly stomach tattoo. No one is buying your emo act guy, go home and get a shower, pronto!

Those who may be eating while reading this or those of a nervous disposition may want to close this article before scrolling any further. If that’s the case thanks for reading and no hard feelings. If you think you’ve got a strong constitution or aren’t easily shocked take a deep breath, make peace with whatever deity you pray to and get ready to scroll down….

 

 

….are you sure…..?

 

 

……Last Chance to turn back……

 

……Oh alright, just remember I can’t be held responsible for any psychological damage you sustain by what lurks ahead……

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It’s okay! It’s okay! Stop screaming! The monster can’t hurt you anymore! Seriously, what is this? What hideous malformed product of inbreeding are these three? Look at their mangled faces, all stretched and contorted in a horrific scream as they long for the sweet embrace of a death that will never come. They look like if Edvard Munch designed this year’s Money in the Bank DVD cover. Their deformed paws can’t even grasp any weapons so what chance do these circus freaks really have in life?

That’s it, I can’t bear to see them suffer any longer. Time to go to a better place. I’ve been Martin Dixon (@BunnySuicida).
Thanks for reading.

shhh…… it’ll all be over soon….20160531_154910

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