Woeful Wrestling Figures:Royal Grumble.

So it looks as though I’have in fact exhausted Poundland’s supply of cheap wrestling toys for the foreseeable future but I still have a need to give you the lowdown on some polymer pugilists. Instead of some lousy fakes I’ve taken a step towards respectability in an odyssey to official merchandise and a sextet of WWE Rumblers, tiny titans with real wrestling action! Highly stylised and playfully chunky, I’m about to review some more toys.

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First up is Randy Orton setting a high standard on aesthetics and actions. His sleeve tattoos and Orton pose ™ are all on display and are a perfect miniaturisation of the menace to carry on luggage and this little viper is ready to strike with his special springy surprise. Twist Orton at the waist and let go to unleash a devastating right hand to any toy that stands in his way. Watch out Tickle me Elmo!

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Question. Since when has John Cena looked like The Great Gazoo from the Flintstones? Also, when was he known for his jumping ability? Oh deary me John, you do not suit this design. In fact you look more lumpen and put of proportion than in reality and your push down “jumping” action is woeful. All you manage to accomplish is a passable recreation of the Flair flop and don’t think your ‘I’m a little teapot’ pose helps matters, being ‘short and stout’ is not a good look for you, honey.

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Who’s that jumping out the sky? Why it’s R-E-Y Mysterio and this figure blows! That’s actually a little unfair as little Rey Rey certainly looks the part but he’s been saddled with the same lame jumping action as John Cena that is just a recipe for disaster. These figures also have no mobility in their legs so in Rey’s case that’s more true to life than any other.

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Oh dear Kane. From the neck down you are a fantastic figure. You’ve got an actually decent slamming action and the angular, chunky look of everything really suits a monster character like the big red machine but head north and OH MY GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?! I know the mask is supposed to be frightening but this is ridiculous, this Kane looks like a terrible gargoyle that somehow looks too fat to be Kane. In fact the Prince of Fear’s Picasso features would pass for Kane more than this misshapen lump. So very nearly good.

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Now this is more like it, Rumbler Undertaker is a killer slab of plastic. He may be missing some details like tattoos and any real decals but proportionally this is on point. Taker even borrows Randy Orton’s punchy gimmick but wisely sticks one arm out to deliver a Vader-like (Big Van not Darth) haymaker. 9/10, Phenom af.

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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls I present to you the best Rumbler I think there ever could be. The mighty Brock Lesnar looks extremely good in this style. Even his pose is spot on to deliver more knock out punches and with the undersized legs and over developed upper body, Little Brock, Arkansas could easily be mistaken to be in scale with the real thing. If only there was a teeny tiny Paul Heyman to complete the set.

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Some of the design choices and sculpting are a bit suspect for official merchandise but Rumblers were a fun little line of compact characters that deserve a place alongside my other figures (the real ones, no way am I putting Lex Legend on any kind of pedestal). With the passing of time these figures can be found quite cheap and of you’ve got a hankering for wrestling toys but not a lot of space, these should see you right.

As ever, thanks for reading.

Martin Dixon (@BunnySuicida)

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