Total Nonstop Action Figures 3: Joe Blow.

Ladies and gentlemen out there in toyland, I now present to you a figure that is simultaneously one of the best and one of the worst figures I’ve ever seen. First up, the good news….

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This figure poses like nothing on earth, I can’t believe the range of motion and the tightness of the joints that mean not only can he assume all manner of wacky and wonderful positions, he can hold them indefinitely thanks to some superb weight distribution it feels like an engineering project rather than a wrestling toy. Such an explosion of posablity is damn near perfect for a wrestling figure, this one can even perform a muscle buster if paired with a suitably flexible opponent, thanks to several arm and hand joints, each with a wide range of movement.

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It’s a similar situation south of the border too and the legs are equally as limber as the rest of him, meaning that he can even wrap himself around another figure like a Boa Constrictor and squeeze out a victory with a very convincing Kokina Clutch.

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You may have noticed that I’ve yet to say who this is a figure of, that’s because whoever this is it is clearly not Samoa Joe. The head looks like an old Disco Inferno noggin scrounged from the WCW mold bin and has odd pursed lips, like he’s eaten something exceptionally spicy. This curious crainium is sat atop a Frankenstein’s monster of seemingly random parts, weirdly muscular in some places and more evocative of Joe’s rather “Rubenesque” physique in others. The toy is a patchwork of differing plastics too, smooth to the touch here and more roughly hewn there, this feels like a toy that needed longer in the oven to really nail everything and satisfy as a toy to play with and as something cool to collect.

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If Mary Shelly was alive today and reviewed wrestling toys on the Internet (don’t pretend you haven’t had the same dream), she would take one look at DiscJoe Inferno here and throw her hands in the air shrieking that this was exactly what she envisioned when crafting Adam, the monster in Frankenstein: the modern Prometheus. This “modern Joe-metheus” is a toy engineering masterpiece that is unfortunately stricken with such a hideous and shocking appearance even I reach for a burning pitchfork when I catch sight of it out of the corner of my eye. It’s such a missed opportunity but then again, if it was perfect, I wouldn’t be writing about it here now, would I?

Thanks for reading.

Martin Dixon (@BunnySuicida)

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