Woeful Wrestling Figures:The Macho Man Can-Can Dance.

It isn’t Halloween just yet but I think if I were to review this figure on October the 31st I might bring about some kind of spectral apocalypse upon the world due to its sheer terribleness.

The world and his brother will admit the class that was the Macho Man, even during his late WCW mid-life crisis phase from which this figure comes but as much as I try and look for reasons to call this toy a fitting tribute to an oft-forgotten period of Macho’s past, all I see is a haunted, twisted, mangled form that only brings about the chilling fear of staring at something mankind was never meant to comprehend. Basically, the toy is awful.

The best place to start is the poor, sunken face Macho’s been given here, with the facial expression of someone in the middle of having their soul ripped from their body, which is a situation anyone who sat through the Brawl for All tournament should be more than familiar with.

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It gets no better the further down the figure you travel either. I never recalled Macho having worn a suit made entirely of cobwebs but that’s how he appears here. I’m assuming this is a cut-price attempt at replicating the sequinned ring gear Savage was clad in at the time but slathering the toy in white painted lines instead leave him looking like he’s been stuck in an attic for a very long time indeed. That or a really poor Symbiote Spider-Man costume which is apt seen as I’m dealing with a figure of Bonesaw.

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WCW toys of this time were often saddled with some kind of action feature gimmick and Macho is no exception. In most cases this is inoffensive enough, squeeze someone’s legs and their arms will flail about in some fashion simulating a move of some kind, some figures even take it further with features such as spinning torsos. Whatever the gimmick however this rarely affects the playability of the toy or even basic functions as say, the ability to stand under their own power. Macho however seems to have be the exception that proves the rule as it becomes apparent that standing up for himself is easier said than done, one of Macho’s feet is shaped in an odd tip-toes position and legs of different lengths that mean getting him to display is often the result of luck and hope rather than user agency. This is all in service of the conspicuous lever on Macho’s back, give it a pull and Macho does a high kick any Can-Can dancer would be envious of, complete with hilarious arm flailing to boot.

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Author hand alert!

These wild spasms coupled with Macho’s terrifying haunted expression look like he’s the victim of a demonic possession, hunched over in writhing agony as his mind and sanity are picked apart by un-knowable horrors from beyond the veil. All this would be perfect if it were part of some highly experimental “Wrestling vs HP Lovecraft” line of toys but sadly that is one crossover wrestling has yet to exploit Macho Man is just left to flounder among some of the truly woeful wrestling figure, preferably propped up against another figure.

Thanks for reading.
Martin Dixon (@BunnySuicida)

 

 

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