Wrestling Figures : Six Sides of Suck.

So after some research it turns out that there are approximately one hundred billions different versions of those knock off micro figures I reviewed some time ago. Some even take their fake factor to a whole new level and like a moth drawn to a flame, I found and purchased one more of these nefarious sets but thankfully my conscience can rest easy because even though these are even faker figures than last time, these micro misfits have the decency to bring their very own ring to the party. A six-sided one no less! Let’s lucha!

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It’s not often that I get packaging with my review subjects so it’s a bit of a thrill to have this set arrive boxed up and what a hilarious box it is. The little cardboard plinth the ring rests on is covered in stolen photos of the real WWE micro figures, heisted Great American Bash logos and wonderful broken English by the ton. Not only does the top proudly announce ‘The Vehemence Compete’ but shows off some of the accessories available in other sets, including a “Give First-Aid a Bed” which is a stretcher to you and me. This sets a wonderful tone for the rest of the package.

So onto the ring itself which is actually a little bit stunning in its own cheaply made way. It’s a little flimsy but everything holds together really well, the ring posts stay upright and the ropes haven’t snapped yet in the month or so I’ve had these but the real stars of the show here are the stickers applied to the ring apron and mat. “TOP SPEED SUPER FORCE” doesn’t sound too bad, like some obscure Japanese Junior heavyweight tournament, as does the “KING POWER” one on the mat but it’s the other apron stickers I love. These toys can’t go 5 minutes without ripping something off and this time it’s the skull from the poster for Evil Dead 2 that’s been dubiously replicated here, gazing eerily out at you, next to the giant word “SMACK”. This all looks like either a particularly disturbing PSA on the dangers of heroin or an especially cheap brand of vaping liquid. It’s really creepy and inappropriate which is absolutely perfect form from a knockoff.

The last piece of this puzzle is a quartet of fakey figures to round out this little toybox, each one a more misshapen representation of a WWE star than the last. Firstly is John Cena-like that aside from some dodgy paint and an incredibly thick neck is an okay figure to begin with, so too is the Not-Triple H one who’s only misstep is the yellow paint running down his back. It’s from here though where things take a drastic downturn.

Undertaker? Sting? Seth Rollins? Roman Reigns? I’m assuming that this figure in black is supposed to be the Deadman but it’s so poorly modelled and painted that it could be anyone, even that indie guy you saw last week. That all pales in comparison to the last figure, which at first glance looks like Shawn Michaels, but a Shawn Michaels that has been crossbred with a Xenomorph with his disgustingly misshapen head and bubbling plastic skin. I get the feeling I might wake up one morning with it attempting to force a facehugger onto me to continue its species. This is wrestling toys designed by HR Giger and now I’ve reviewed it, I think I’d better kill it with fire before it lays eggs in my wardrobe.

This set is fun as hell but like the Poundland mini figures before them, they’re just awful and not the good kind. Once again the figures are upstaged by their accessories but the ring in this set is a little amazing and almost worth the asking price, if you can get over the notion that one of these toys probably wants to eat your face. It’s that element of danger that’s missing from modern toys though, wouldn’t you agree?

Thanks for reading.
Martin Dixon (@BunnySuicida).

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