WOEFUL WRESTLING FIGURES: NEW JACK SWING

There’s been far too much competency on this blog recently. So much so that I’ve had to seriously consider renaming this column to reflect the shocking optimism and positivity that has crept in. So thank the toy deities that once again the awful quality of the subject can match the awful quality of the writing. I speak of the murky and hilarious world of the bottom-grade knockoff figures and do I have a doozy for you this time, dear readers.

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It isn’t often that even the packaging of a toy is just as noteworthy as the figure inside but this “Super Brawler” set really does go the whole hog in its thievery right from the start. The backing card is festooned with comically doctored photos of Chris Benoit and Crash Holly, with only some horrific early 90s CGI faces slapped on to keep the lawyers at bay. What are less writ-dodging however are the photos of the Rock and Triple H that have no treatment at all and are here in all their trademarked glory.

To be honest I could have just left the review there and not bothered with the actual figure at all but this thing just takes the whole fail-vaganza that is this toy into a whole new plane of existence.

When deciding just who’s image to plunder when crafting a risible knockoff such as this there’s many worthy candidates. From the superhuman dimensions of a Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior or Rock to the child friendly appeal of a Rey Mysterio Jr or John Cena or Sting there’s an entire universe of grapplers worth pilfering. So how in the seven circles of Hades did someone decide and approve basing a toy on New Jack of all people? New Jack?! The fact that a man with little regard for his or anyone else’s well-being or a justifiable homicide to his name got an official toy is unsettling enough, let alone someone seeing fit to rip him off for this crime against plastic is beyond me.

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Original misgivings aside this toy almost defines the word “woeful”. First up is the lame attempt to avoid litigation by slapping some random head that looks like an Amish Klingon opted to undergo a head transplant and is still awaiting a blood transfusion with its deathly grey skin tone. This sits atop a body that somehow gets worse the further down you go.

Jutting out from the sides of the barrel torso are two lumpen, un-posable & poorly painted arms that are no use to anyone for anything but even these can’t compare with Not Jack’s legs. These two featureless clompers are actually only movable backwards and don’t move forwards at all! This is all compounded by a mixture of plastics that feel oily to the touch and even SMELL terrible. Nothing about this figure can redeem its catalogue of faults. It is a truly woeful wrestling figure.

There’s one final piece of this puzzle and actually, it’s a little bit spectacular. Way more so than the figure itself and that is the stepladder accessory he came bundled with. Built sturdily and featuring some really neat hinged parts this really is a nice addition to the plunder to be found in the Woeful Wrestling Figures arena. Shame it had to come with such a crappy figure.

Amazingly this isn’t even the most blatant knockoff wrestling toys I’ve got hold of recently but that will have to wait until next time as I need to muster all my strength to tackle such horrible toys. Until then thanks for reading.

Martin Dixon ( @BunnySuicida ).

Help me obtain more terrible toys with a donation here if you wish.

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