Woeful Wrestling Figures: You were supposed to be my friend!

Oh lord, where to start with this one? Normally what can cause me problems in a review is not having quite enough to say about a subject that I have to struggle to give them a write up. Sometimes it’s that there’s just so much awfulness to document it’s hard to know where to begin and not to avoid leaving out any of the horrific details among the cavalcade of failure some figures provide. This is one of those times as these next few hundred words or so will document my stuggle to accurately convey just how terrible this box set really is. Ladies, Gentlemen and anyone in-between, this is ‘World Wrestling Warrior Stimulate Tournament Wrestle Warrior New Type Of Puzzle Featuring Wrestle King’.

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Like the fake New Jack figure from the last review even the packaging is worthy of a review all its own. Aside from that ludicrously long title comprising some authentic frontier gibberish, the box is plastered with hilarious stolen WWE artwork, some ripped straight from screenshots of late 2000s WWE videogames, some disastrously photoshopped stills made to look like pencil sketches of John Cena, Triple H, Randy Orton, Chris Jericho and even Mr. Kennedy all doing battle, none of which have anything to do with the figures inside like all the best knockoffs, and that’s just the start.

Tearing into this Pandora’s box the first thing greeting me was a terrible smell from inside, like a pungent mix of chemicals and disappointment, this is thanks to the bottom-grade plastics used to manufacture these abominations. A wiser person would have turned away and perhaps started a fire to burn this set in but foolishly I persevered and was met with two of the worst knockoffs I have ever seen.

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Someone in those far eastern sweatshops must have a real fan boner for Batista as this is the second Big fake Dave I’ve found and somehow this is worse than the first. At least that first fake knew its limits and had the bare minimum of articulation. This one however tries to replicate the movement of the real figures and fails spectacularly. Whilst having joints in the elbows, knees and ankles is admirable in theory, the looseness of all of these means that Dave is nothing more than a stinky, limp rag doll with none of the cuddly-ness of one. This coupled with laughable molding that looks more like a marionette wearing a Batista meat suit complete with badly drawn tattoos.

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His pack mate fares little better, this charlatan Rey Mysterio Jr takes Batista’s faults and runs with them, adding even looser knees, molding scars all over and an odd brown dust all over the bottom of his outfit. This is somehow the worser of the two figures and fails on almost every level. Appalling.

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Not content with just being low rent replicas of actually good toys, this gruesome twosome try and have some originality for themselves in the shape of a hilarious light and sound gimmick. Pressing a little button on their backs causes a red light to flash in their chest like they’re Iron Man and a series of gurgled grunts and groans, presumably to replicate in-ring action and not the toys themselves lamenting their own existence.

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Not only are these two content to stink up the place with their mere presence, they bring along some accessories to put the icing on the cake and true to form, these are just as flimsy and rotten as Batista and Rey Jr. The chair accessory would be acceptable if it hadn’t disintegrated as soon as it was exposed to the air, so weak was it’s plastic. The crutch is actually alright but the hollow ring bell is quite the opposite but the two standouts of the bunch are a comically oversized wrench accessory that is more at home in a mechanic role play set and the coup de grace, a fake WWE spinner title belt for the figures to fight over. This is stunningly crap with thin and stiff plastic that simply refuses to bend, a murky gold paint scheme haphazardly splattered onto the thing and an upside down WWE logo to cap it all off. Someone at the factory must have been a fan of Miz’s WWE title reign as well. This is like a time capsule of late 2000s WWE, albeit one that wasn’t sealed properly and has decayed in the intervening years.

This set is as woeful as it gets in terms of bad figures, offending 4 of the 5 senses of Sight by looking totally ugly, Sound thanks to the haunting electronics, Touch with their awful construction and Smell because of the same reason. You could even stretch the metaphor and say they offend my sense of (design) Taste.

In fact, a painfully tortured idea is a perfect way to sum up the Wrestle Warrior New Type Of Puzzle Featuring Wrestle King set. These aren’t even worthy of display and sit under my desk in their box as I attempt to purge my memory of them.

And now you get to try the same.

Thanks for reading.
Martin Dixon (@BunnySuicida)

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